Depression rears its ugly head again

I’ve really been struggling lately and can’t seem to get anything done. Charley Project cases are piling up as usual and I just don’t have the energy to do anything about them. I don’t feel sad or anything like that, but I’ve got this feeling like I’m stuck in neutral.

There have been days lately where it feels like it takes tremendous force of will just to put on my shoes, never mind anything else. I’ve even been. Talking. Very. Slowly. And. In. Whispers. And on top of this awful lassitude I’ve felt physically exhausted, no matter how much I sleep. I’ve been sleeping basically all day, only getting out of bed to take the dog out — I won’t have her suffer on my account.

I was stable on my meds for a really long time, like a year, and was hoping I could stay on the current regimen indefinitely. I guess not. I wasn’t supposed to see my psychiatrist till like April, but I asked the clinic to bump my appointment forward and I will be seeing him on Tuesday instead. Just gotta last till then, and hopefully he’ll work some kind of magic and I’ll perk up.

A bit of psychopharmacology here: I take two antidepressants, one anti-psychotic, one anti-anxiety and one mood stabilizer. The thing is, you can’t keep bumping up a person’s anti-depressant doses too high before you run the risk of getting a thing called Serotonin Syndrome, which is potentially fatal. Plus, as I have bipolar disorder and not just depression, anti-depressants also have the potential of shooting me into mania, which is not potentially fatal but isn’t exactly good either. A lot of people with bipolar disorder who went missing, did so while off on some manic adventure.

So sometimes, when I’ve gotten depressed, rather than raising the dosages, my doctor will say “Take less of Antidepressant A and more of Antidepressant B” and that will fix it until suddenly it doesn’t anymore, then it’s “Take more of Antidepressant A and less of Antidepressant B.”

We’ll see what happens. I feel like a lazy bum for just sitting around doing nothing but it’s very hard right now to do anything at all.

16 thoughts on “Depression rears its ugly head again

  1. marsyao March 2, 2019 / 9:11 pm

    Meaghan, I will pray for you

  2. Patrick Kerrigan March 2, 2019 / 9:40 pm

    Meaghan, some days, I get up out of bed, take my pills eat something. I then gravitate to the Lazy Boy, and just read. It’s nice to take a breather once in while. You are busy keeping us informed on all these missing people. Then you highlight all these other cases. So, take a few days off, chill out. Plus, it’s March, have a Shamrock shake minus the shamrocks, and have a few slices of good Irish soda bread.

    I was glad we have not had any snow in this neck of the woods. I shovel snow for a number of my neighbors, and few others. So, It was just nice to chill out and not have to go out and play in the snow. I am too old for snow angels anyway.

    My late mother made some every year. The crust was very strong, it might have caused a concussion in the wrong hands. I miss her for that bread, especially around St. Patty’s day. I may not be a big corn beef and cabbage meals. Especially since it’s not really Irish.

    • Beverly March 3, 2019 / 12:50 pm

      Don’t be so hard on yourself. You are not a lazy bum. I wanted to say that vitamin d deficiency causes depression. Spend some time outdoors if you can. Take a vitamin d supplement. Take care.

    • Mia March 4, 2019 / 10:02 pm

      Glad to see someone else appreciates Shamrock Shakes!

    • Diamond Lil March 19, 2019 / 5:32 pm

      Patrick, I thought of your post today after reading about the ancient bug butter in Ireland. Some have been dated to 1500 BC. Quite well preserved.

      I find it interesting all the ancient finds still identifiable of late (the ancient elixir in China, the ancient Temple incense in Israel).

      Erin go bragh!

  3. Sara M. March 2, 2019 / 10:10 pm

    You are very clear headed about your health issues. It is not unusual for people to feel lassitude and lack of motivation in the dreary days of February. Take care of yourself and think about all the work you HAVE done on Charley!! Fine for you to slack off once in a while. Hope the doctor has a good strategy for you and that you feel better soon.

  4. Pl March 2, 2019 / 11:23 pm

    Keep up the good work. You’re a fantastic writer and I hope you get over this hurdle soon.

  5. Diamond Lil March 4, 2019 / 12:38 am

    I’m glad you’ll be seeing your doctor on Tuesday.   Maybe ask about using light therapy.

    *note – due to you having bi-polar, this may not be useful for you.

    Have you considered having guest entries?  Featuring one a week or so, and those that have a case they know well can submit an entry for you to post. 

    Feel better soon!

  6. Randy McDonald March 4, 2019 / 6:44 am

    The important thing is that you are taking care of yourself. I have been in a similar position, and I know how hard it can be. Thank you for all of the hard work you have put forth.

  7. Melinda March 4, 2019 / 2:15 pm

    I’m sorry to hear that, Meaghan. I have suffered with depression for over 20 years and it only seems to get worse with time. Sometimes I have suicidal thoughts. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about it, which makes it worse. Just try to take it one day at a time. Practice self-care and remember that we’re all rooting for you!

  8. Sonya March 4, 2019 / 3:44 pm

    Sorry to hear you’re having a rough time of it right now. I hope you feel better after you see the doctor, and they get your meds working good for you. You do a tremendous amount of work on The Charley Project, please don’t be hard on yourself. I wanted to say I appreciate all the work you do here. 🙂

  9. Mia March 4, 2019 / 10:05 pm

    If rest is what you need, take it. We’ll be here. The missing people will still be here.

  10. Patrick Kerrigan March 5, 2019 / 7:20 pm

    Mia, Shamrock shakes are better then the one green beer, I had many years ago. Also, I agree all those missing people can wait. But, its nice to read that law enforcement has been pushing the forensic envelope to solve some of the thousands of cold cases.

    If only we could some action to fill on the blanks on those missing persons, with few if any details.

    • Mia March 5, 2019 / 9:51 pm

      Totally agree, Patrick. There are UID cases I’ve followed for two decades being solved, and at such a rapid pace! I remember 10 years ago, you might see five published solves a year!

      I can’t stand beer, green, gold, or otherwise. But I do like the “traditional” Irish meal because it gives me a good excuse to make a huge batch of my fried cabbage with bacon.

  11. Michael Cartier March 5, 2019 / 10:32 pm

    Prayers for Meaghan. We appreciate you!

  12. Doris March 6, 2019 / 11:31 pm

    Be good to yourself sweetie…prayers for a complete healing! ❤️❤️❤️

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