Depression update

Yeah, so I had written earlier this month about how I was really depressed again and I was going to seek help for it. I am very touched by the kind, supportive comments I got from everyone about that, and I wanted to thank you for that. I also wanted to update everyone on the situation.

My psychiatrist and I decided to drop one of my antidepressant meds, which I had been taking since mid-2008, and replace it with a different antidepressant. I’m still titrating upwards on it: I am supposed to take 10mg daily for a week, then go up to 20mg. I’ll start the 20mg on Wednesday.

My mood has improved but I am still constantly, incredibly tired. I’m sleeping fourteen, sixteen hours a day sometimes. Last night I went to sleep around midnight and didn’t really get up till 3:00 p.m., except to take the dog out.

Some people have suggested the tiredness is due to some kind of deficiency or maybe just to the season, the fact that it’s been cold and gloomy and dreary for the past several months. Either way it’s obviously no way to live. If it is still going on when I have my next psychiatrist appointment late in the month, I’ll bring it up with him.

Depression rears its ugly head again

I’ve really been struggling lately and can’t seem to get anything done. Charley Project cases are piling up as usual and I just don’t have the energy to do anything about them. I don’t feel sad or anything like that, but I’ve got this feeling like I’m stuck in neutral.

There have been days lately where it feels like it takes tremendous force of will just to put on my shoes, never mind anything else. I’ve even been. Talking. Very. Slowly. And. In. Whispers. And on top of this awful lassitude I’ve felt physically exhausted, no matter how much I sleep. I’ve been sleeping basically all day, only getting out of bed to take the dog out — I won’t have her suffer on my account.

I was stable on my meds for a really long time, like a year, and was hoping I could stay on the current regimen indefinitely. I guess not. I wasn’t supposed to see my psychiatrist till like April, but I asked the clinic to bump my appointment forward and I will be seeing him on Tuesday instead. Just gotta last till then, and hopefully he’ll work some kind of magic and I’ll perk up.

A bit of psychopharmacology here: I take two antidepressants, one anti-psychotic, one anti-anxiety and one mood stabilizer. The thing is, you can’t keep bumping up a person’s anti-depressant doses too high before you run the risk of getting a thing called Serotonin Syndrome, which is potentially fatal. Plus, as I have bipolar disorder and not just depression, anti-depressants also have the potential of shooting me into mania, which is not potentially fatal but isn’t exactly good either. A lot of people with bipolar disorder who went missing, did so while off on some manic adventure.

So sometimes, when I’ve gotten depressed, rather than raising the dosages, my doctor will say “Take less of Antidepressant A and more of Antidepressant B” and that will fix it until suddenly it doesn’t anymore, then it’s “Take more of Antidepressant A and less of Antidepressant B.”

We’ll see what happens. I feel like a lazy bum for just sitting around doing nothing but it’s very hard right now to do anything at all.

Jayme Closs and other things

So I’m on a downswing, in terms of my mood. I’m bipolar. This is my life and it will never change, though the five psychiatric medications I take daily mitigate the downswings.

It’s just been kind of hard to get anything done. I will decide to do some thing or other, then I’ll find myself just sitting there staring into space as I’m trying to get myself to move. Even something as simple as picking an object up off the floor.

The Jayme Closs thing has kind of gotten to me. Of course I’m delighted that she’s been found alive. That’s not what’s getting to me; that part’s great. What’s getting to me is what some people have been saying. It’s really hard not to take that personally because of what happened to me back in the day.

(If you haven’t read that far back in my blog, what happened to me is this: in 2009, while I was on a trip to Virginia, I got lost and a stranger offered to give me directions. Instead, he took me into the woods and beat the crap out of me and raped me multiple times. Then he gave me the directions he’d promised and let me go. In the aftermath of the attack, there were a bunch of people on the comments section of this blog, and in email, who accused me of making the whole thing up for who knows what reason. It was very hurtful, obviously. After almost a year the rapist, a serial offender, was identified through DNA and he’s since been deported.)

I was just writing on here about how people can make speculations online about cases, speculations with no evidence to support them, and how this isn’t helpful and can indeed be harmful, especially if the victim or their family sees it.

And some people are doing that about Jayme Closs now. They’re outright accusing her of the murder, or at least complicity to the murder, of her own parents. And the police have said they believe her abductor acted entirely alone, and that he did not know Jayme (who, I will point out, is thirteen years old), and that he had been stalking her, and that Jayme is a victim and not a suspect.

These people think they know better than the cops, I guess. Why? Because Jayme took a selfie after her reunion with her aunt and dog. Because she was clean and looked okay in the selfie. Because she was smiling.

OF COURSE SHE WAS SMILING. She’d just been reunited with her dog and what’s left of her family, after she thought she’d never see them again, and the monster who did this to her is locked up! Why shouldn’t she smile? Why wouldn’t she have gotten herself cleaned up, showered etc.?

At what point is a crime victim “allowed” to smile and act happy and still be considered a “legitimate” victim?

One of the so-called reasons people were calling me a liar about my rape was because I didn’t act “traumatized enough” to suit them, when in fact they didn’t know the first thing about it. They were only seeing words on a screen, on my blog.

And so some people, on the basis of a “feeling” or a “hunch”, and a photograph, are making dreadful accusations against a thirteen-year-old child who saw her parents get murdered and who spent the last three months, I’m assuming, as Jake Patterson’s sex slave, thinking every day would be her last.

Frankly it makes me sick. I hope Jayme’s aunt and other caregivers make sure she does not see those accusations. I’m not seeking them out myself, but when they get posted on the Charley Project’s Facebook page I kind of have to read them, though I delete them as quickly as I can.

Merry Christmas everyone!

I know the holiday season can be difficult for people who have lost loved ones, either to death or disappearance. It’ll be hard for my family this year as we lost my brother Brendan in February; he died in a work accident at 49.

My heart goes out to all the families and friends of missing persons this year. I hope next year provides you with answers as to what happened.

Michael, Kinsey, the cats and I will be spending Christmas with our families. Christmas Eve with my family, Christmas Day with his.

I am grateful to all my Charley Project fans and blog readers and I hope y’all have a merry Christmas this year.

Stupid plugins

So yesterday I was in the middle of updating when the plugins (I’m not even sure what those are) decided they didn’t like me anymore, and made it impossible to get anything done. I had to beg my designer Preston Winfrey for help and then he had to figure out what was going on and get the stupid plugins to work again.

Right around the time things got back to normal, Michael and our friend Larissa dragged me to Texas Roadhouse. The food there is all right but I am NEVER going there on a Friday night again. The noise was absolutely unbearable, particularly after the line dancing started. Crowded restaurants are not the greatest environment for an autistic person.

The conversation was about Michael and Larissa’s role-playing game, which I do not play. I barely said a word the entire time and mostly sat there stimming. Michael kept telling me to go to the bathroom if I needed a break from the noise, but I was afraid that if I did so, I wouldn’t be able to make myself come back to the table.

What a night.

The Missouri Highway Patrol has a bunch of new cases up and I’m going to try to add the rest today. Plugins permitting.

Doing a bit better

I wrote several days ago about how I was not doing well because I was off my meds due to an insurance hiccup.

Well, I’ve filled out the necessary papers and it’s just a matter of waiting for my insurance to process them. And my psychiatric clinic has stepped up in the meantime. They provided me with medication, and the promise of more until my insurance will start covering things again.

My Thanksgiving was okay, although exhausting. Michael and I went to my family’s meal at my sister’s, then a few hours later we went out to a restaurant with his parents. One of the things I’m most thankful for this year is my dog Kinsey. She is the sweetest dog and she has gotten me on a regular schedule (she fusses at me unless I go to bed when she wants) and gotten me exercise out in the fresh air (between two and four walks a day).

Kinsey’s birthday is on the 27th. She will be fifteen years old. I cherish every day I have with her. And she is a very happy dog now.

Here is Kinsey on the 12th:

kinsey

And here I am on the 15th, the night I went to see the Trans Siberian Orchestra:

selfie

I’m actually wearing lipstick one of you sent me.

Updates should start again tomorrow.

Not doing all that well right now

I’ve been decompensating these last few days and not getting much done. Because of an accidental interruption in insurance coverage, I can’t get my medication prescriptions refilled and I haven’t had my meds since Friday.

My psych clinic got a week’s worth of medication for me and I can pick it up tomorrow. But I’m not doing very well right now. Hence lack of updates.

Plus there’s the whole Thanksgiving thing, and it’s going to be VERY hard this year on account of my brother Brendan’s death in February.

How my parents have not fallen completely to pieces I do not know. This is the second time they’ve lost a son in a horrific accident; my brother Brian died in the 1980s.