Oh, what I would do for a good night’s sleep

I haven’t really slept well since I was about twelve years old. That was when the bipolar thing got going and interfering with things.

For me, the issue isn’t so much falling asleep as staying asleep. I can go to sleep fine but many times I wake up after only three or four hours, no longer sleepy but just as tired as before. When it comes to sleep, 4+4 is not equal to 8.

I mean, it’s not always as bad as that. But right now it is. Unless under the influence of something, I can’t sleep a night (or a day) through. It would be nice if I could. Like, right if you offered me a choice between $100 in cash or going to sleep for like twelve hours straight and waking up feeling rested, I might very well pick the sleep option instead of the cash.

Of course it interferes with my work. My brain gets stupid. I find myself struggling to understand the articles I’m trying to summarize, making ridiculous mistakes, writing sentences that don’t make sense, writing in “Idaho” when I meant to write “Iowa” and so on.

Instead I find myself doing stuff that is a lot more passive, less intellectual labor. Like reading. Right now my thing is finding and posting insane and gross medical reports on Reddit. (Imagine squatting to pee and then 50 centimeters of your intestines suddenly falls out of you. Further imagine that you actually make a full recovery from this. That’s my kind of story.)

Then I feel ashamed and beat myself up for being lazy. But it’s just very hard to get anything productive done.

Yeah. I’m tired. Bipolar disorder sucks.

I’m sorry. I feel like I’m failing everyone.

19 thoughts on “Oh, what I would do for a good night’s sleep

  1. Project Bigeye September 6, 2022 / 11:00 am

    I feel you. I’m struggling with sleep right now as well. Falling a sleep is no problem, but after a few hours I wake up & my brain starts trying to solve all the world’s problems & I can’t fall asleep again. It can be so frustrating when all you want to do is sleep, but you just can’t.
    I hope it passes soon and you are able to get some rest. ❤
    Your dedication to missing persons and their stories is unmatched. Don't feel guilty. You're doing & continue to do amazing work.

  2. meagleface September 6, 2022 / 12:35 pm

    I appreciate you and all that you do.
    I don’t think you’re failing a single person… Quite the opposite.
    You do more for people than most others!

  3. Dawn Bonner September 6, 2022 / 1:48 pm

    keep your head up, this is a great site and does a lot of good. I have the same sleep issue due to PTSD issues as a young girl and it sucks. I actually had to take sleeping aids (meds) or I wouldn’t sleep. Having Bi-Polar disease is a really hard road to walk.

  4. Gennifer Anderson September 6, 2022 / 6:38 pm

    Your work has been an incredible aid and I’m so thankful for all you have done. It’s okay to take breaks, even long ones, when you need self care. Do what works for you – we are here cheering for you getting through each hard day. That’s enough, too.

  5. Christine September 6, 2022 / 7:38 pm

    My dear, you never fail, take care of yourself, you’re an amazing person!!

  6. Joanne Ouimet September 6, 2022 / 10:11 pm

    Meaghan, I really hope you can find that sleep you are so desperate for!

    I’d love to read your posts on Reddit, about the medical reports! How do I find you on there?

    • Meaghan September 6, 2022 / 10:30 pm

      You can see them on r/MedicalGore. I actually have developed a fan base there because of all the weird gross stuff I keep posting. The other day I put up a case where, during a C-section, a newborn was accidentally SCALPED.

  7. Sonya September 7, 2022 / 12:57 am

    You are correct. Bipolar disorder sucks. One of my parents was diagnosed as manic depressive (way back when it was called that), and they’ve had issues with insomnia off and on as far back as I can remember.

    You aren’t failing anyone. Far from it, you are doing great work here and you should be very proud of this website and all that you do.

  8. laurenthian September 7, 2022 / 7:21 pm

    You are doing amazing things. Mental illness sucks (depression and anxiety for me), but hopefully this episode will abate soon.

    You are one of the people I admire most, Meaghan. Thank you for everything you do!

  9. Alice September 8, 2022 / 6:45 pm

    I have the opposite problem; I go to sleep for several hours, even when I take my medication early in the evening.

  10. Kathy September 8, 2022 / 7:06 pm

    I have developed a low dose (cannabis) gummy. I grow my own and do all the processing myself. It allows me to sleep very well. I only get up to go to the bathroom and then I easily go right back to sleep. Not saying it would work for you, just my experience.

    • Meaghan September 9, 2022 / 9:24 pm

      Weed is illegal in my state.

  11. Julie September 8, 2022 / 7:15 pm

    You could never fail any of the people who read your blog, let alone the largely forgotten people that you keep in our hearts.

  12. Sid September 9, 2022 / 8:38 am

    hey meaghan, i have a question about the url’s of the casefiles. ive been following your blog for a while and a lot of times when im bored, ill scroll back through one of the tags and open all the cases i find. sometime before 2019, i think, the url’s changed, and older urls are differently formatted and it gives me an error message when i click on them. the current article for the person is up and running, but the old ones arent. did you change them at some point on purpose or did your website provider change hands?

    • Meaghan September 9, 2022 / 8:39 am

      They all got changed when my site got revamped and I got a WordPress template.

      • sid September 9, 2022 / 12:42 pm

        ahh i see, thanks

  13. Heather September 12, 2022 / 1:00 am

    you do an amazing job! I could never accomplish what you have. I have borderline personality disorder and bipolar 2, I understand the sleep struggle. We are the same age and I have followed your site for over a decade. I’ve always been in awe of you.

  14. Pamela September 19, 2022 / 8:04 pm

    Ditto all this, Meaghan. I have the same issues with sleep.

  15. Emma September 20, 2022 / 1:18 pm

    You’re not failing anyone, you’re one of the only people in the world who truly cares about missing people that no one else talks about, even the media! Take it easy and be nice to yourself, you deserve it.

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