Oh, what I would do for a good night’s sleep

I haven’t really slept well since I was about twelve years old. That was when the bipolar thing got going and interfering with things.

For me, the issue isn’t so much falling asleep as staying asleep. I can go to sleep fine but many times I wake up after only three or four hours, no longer sleepy but just as tired as before. When it comes to sleep, 4+4 is not equal to 8.

I mean, it’s not always as bad as that. But right now it is. Unless under the influence of something, I can’t sleep a night (or a day) through. It would be nice if I could. Like, right if you offered me a choice between $100 in cash or going to sleep for like twelve hours straight and waking up feeling rested, I might very well pick the sleep option instead of the cash.

Of course it interferes with my work. My brain gets stupid. I find myself struggling to understand the articles I’m trying to summarize, making ridiculous mistakes, writing sentences that don’t make sense, writing in “Idaho” when I meant to write “Iowa” and so on.

Instead I find myself doing stuff that is a lot more passive, less intellectual labor. Like reading. Right now my thing is finding and posting insane and gross medical reports on Reddit. (Imagine squatting to pee and then 50 centimeters of your intestines suddenly falls out of you. Further imagine that you actually make a full recovery from this. That’s my kind of story.)

Then I feel ashamed and beat myself up for being lazy. But it’s just very hard to get anything productive done.

Yeah. I’m tired. Bipolar disorder sucks.

I’m sorry. I feel like I’m failing everyone.

MP of the week: Richard Reid

This week’s featured missing person is Richard Allen Reid, a 61-year-old man who disappeared from Missoula, Montana on July 21, 2020. That day he quit his job without warning, left a goodbye message for his family, and vanished.

I do not know the text of the goodbye message, its form (like, a note or a voicemail or what) or whether it was goodbye in the sense of running away or in the sense of suicide. Of course, sometimes it’s hard to tell one from the other. Suicide notes rarely explicitly say, “I am going to kill myself.” It’s worth noting that Reid has a history of depression and might have been suicidal when he disappeared.

If still alive, Richard Reid would be 63 years old today. He has two tattoos, including a distinctive one on right middle finger of a cross and five hatchmarks.

Sorry about missing last week. Really not feeling great. Stupid brain.

I hope all of you are doing ok

You guys are very kind, with the nice comments and the donations and everything. I don’t say that enough.

I was 23 when I started this blog. I am 36 now. That’s a very long time in Internet Years. I wouldn’t still be writing this blog if it weren’t for the readership/comments. I don’t have to do much comment moderation because most of the time you guys are respectful, even in disagreement.

So I hope you all had a good holiday weekend and that you are as happy as this crazy world allows you to be. I hope you are all staying safe and will never go missing.