A situation I want your opinion on

Charley Project readers, something happened which I would like your viewpoints on. A lot of you are quite familiar with child abuse and sexual abuse, and I’m sure some are victims of the same, and perhaps some are law enforcement who deal with sexual abuse and rape cases. I don’t know most of my readers but I’m making a few assumptions based on the topic of my blog.

Let me emphasize that this is not a hypothetical situation. It actually happened to a family I know. I have, however, changed the names to protect everyone’s privacy. I’ll try to tell it as briefly as possible. (Not that I’m very good at that. Y’all know how I ramble on.)

  1. In the 1970s there was a working-class family, the Carlins, a young married couple with a few children. The mother’s name was Rachel; her oldest, a boy, was named Alan.
  2. In the same neighborhood lived the Davises, a family with fifteen children in all. Rachel was good friends with the mother, Eileen, and had known her for most of her life. She was about fifteen or twenty years younger than Eileen, and about ten or twelve years older than the oldest of her children. She looked on Eileen as kind of a mentor. Rachel and her husband worked long hours and depended on Eileen and Eileen’s then-teenage children to babysit her own kids. This they did on a regular basis for about nine years altogether, as long as the Carlins lived in that neighborhood.
  3. When Alan was of toddler/preschool age, one of Eileen’s sons, Stan, who was a regular babysitter, sexually abused him for an indeterminate period of time. Stan did not, apparently, target any of Alan’s younger siblings, and I am pretty sure that never in his life has he been accused of abusing any other kids.
  4. Alan told no one about what was going on and it was not discovered, but he was deeply traumatized by what had happened to him and haunted by his memories long into adulthood.
  5. Eventually Rachel got a divorce and she took her kids and moved out of town and remarried. The Carlins and the Davises all remained within driving distance of one another, in the same part of the state, even after the families’ respective children grew up and moved out of their parents’ homes. Rachel continued to have a close friendship with Eileen and regular contact with the rest of the Davis family.
  6. Over the decades, some of the Davis children drifted away from the Carlins, but others remained in regular contact and Rachel remained particularly close to Eileen, whom she thought of as her best friend. I’m not sure whether Stan was one of those who remained in touch with Rachel, but some of the Davises were invited to Carlin family social events, such as barbecues, etc.
  7. 35 to 40 years or so after he was abused, Alan finally told his mother about the molestation and how Stan was the perpetrator. All of the Davises except the father were still alive at that point, although Eileen had gotten pretty old by then. I’m assuming there would have been no possibility of prosecuting Stan, given the passage of time and the statute of limitations and so on.
  8. Rachel did not question the credibility of Alan’s statements, but she did not act on them either. She did not tell anyone within their family, not even Alan’s biological father or her own second husband, about the abuse. She did not tell Eileen about it either. She did not confront Stan or tell any of his siblings what he had done. She continued to associate with Eileen and her grown-up children.
  9. A few years after that, Eileen died. Rachel was grief-stricken and spent even more time with the Davis children; a couple of them came over to her house several times a week for months to keep her company. Basically, Rachel acted as if nothing had happened at all, that she had never learned about how Alan had been molested by Stan all those years ago.

My question is this: given the facts I have presented here, do you think “Rachel” behaved appropriately or not when she learned about how Stan had abused her son all those years ago?

You could make the argument that at this point, there would have been nothing she could have done about it anyway, since so much time had passed and Alan was now an adult, and telling the Davis family about it would just upset them and they would probably not have believed her.

On the other hand, it also seems selfish to me. It seems like Rachel put her own interests (her need to maintain this long-time relationship with the family, which meant a lot to her) ahead of her son’s (his need to have his mother validate his feelings by taking some kind of action, instead of acting as if she had never learned his secret).

Given that Alan was middle-aged by the time he told his mother about what happened, did Rachel have any “duty of care”, so to speak, towards him at all? Or did she no longer have an obligation to act, even by just ending her relationship with the Davises, since Alan was a grown man and could take care of himself?

It must really suck when parents find out that someone they trusted, especially someone else in the family, abused their children. That kind of thing can and does tear friendships and families apart.

Anyway I’d love to hear your input on this situation, as to whether the mother was right or wrong, and if she was wrong, what she should have done instead.

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25 thoughts on “A situation I want your opinion on

  1. Amber May 13, 2016 / 7:24 pm

    How did Alan feel about his mother seemingly “ignoring” what he had been through? iMO, Stan could still be molesting kids. She should have told so others were aware and could protect any other kids who came into contact with Stan.

    • Meaghan May 13, 2016 / 7:54 pm

      I don’t know how Alan feels. I have never asked. I think it’s too personal a question.

  2. Carolann pacific May 13, 2016 / 7:24 pm

    I endured my sibling sexually abusing me for years he later became a woman! I could do a Dr Phil show! He couldn’t fix me..I found out during my disclosure accusations.. I Learned my mother knew all along! I was beaten by her told all through out childhood I was not wanted. She just wanted him..betrayal huge..yes. I can forgive her she’s mentally ill and did nothing for her care..forget no
    .I have two sisters who knew and never asked me.. About anything.. I keep my self away from them..for years my anger laid at my siblings feet..then her.then all.I wanted him to pay for all the years of therapy I have had to pay for.. I had to NOT them…it’s altered my person I grieved for what I could of been.. Not care now about what happens to me now..I’m tired from the fight to survive.. To exist..there. How’s that for a chapter..you’re most welcome to contact me I would not hide nor silence my past any more.

  3. Beth May 13, 2016 / 7:29 pm

    Any mother, regardless of her age or her children’s age, should stand up for them. “Rachel” doesn’t get a pass for being old at this point. To remain silent – and in relationship with the other family without mentioning the incident – is morally reprehensible. “Stan” most certainly did not stop at abusing “Alan” – He likely had countless victims. The silence allows these disgusting predators to continue to hurt innocent children. It has to stop.

  4. becky May 13, 2016 / 7:33 pm

    I can see why Alan’s feelings would be hurt by nobody acknowledging/reacting to this. If his mom had been cavorting with Stan and not stopped even with this info, then I’d be mad, but Stan’s family members including Eileen can’t really be blamed especially after all this time. I sounds like a good idea to let people know, like Amber says, in case Stan could possibly still be molesting kids, but then you have to put some responsibility on Alan too. He knew this guy was out there and could be doing the same to other kids and never said anything for decades…

    • Sheri May 14, 2016 / 3:30 pm

      I disagree that there’s any responsibility on Alan. It takes a long time to admit to yourself what happened and that it wasn’t your fault, and even longer to be able to speak about it. Plus, maybe he waited so long to tell anyone because he kind of sensed the reaction he’d get from his family. I do think Rachel acted badly though. She should have done all she could to stop Stan. I know I would be a “pit bull” about it, partly, probably because I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself, believing I somehow “let it happen”. If Rachel would have spoken it out would have validated her son, plus possibly prevented more abuse.

      • Backy May 14, 2016 / 9:42 pm

        I know it must have been hell for him and super brave and hard to come forward but the fact remains that not speaking up did leave other children in danger. Sadly I’m sure it happens all the time because it is so hard for these victims.

  5. Susan May 13, 2016 / 8:24 pm

    In the 70’s people kept quiet about sexual abuse of kids, it wasn’t openly talked about and when perpetrators got caught they got a slap on the wrist. Was Rachael stuck in that mindset? A mother not reacting to a child’s abuse is cold no matter how many years have past. I wonder about Rachael and her own past history? Did she grow up in a family where sexual abuse was matter of fact and that’s why she didnt react. Others blame the child and refuse to acknowledge putting the blame on the adult. Then there is those with blinders who won’t deal with anything.

    Alan must have been hurt at the response from his mother. He could have blamed himself, as kids do and his mother confirmed that. I also wonder why Alan chose to talk to his mother about it? Did he seek treatment and felt “brave enough” to share his pain with her? He might have been worried about other children falling prey to Stan and felt guilty he never disclosed.

    As far as bringing the situation to Davis family…I’m sure Rachael had a sense of who she could share this information with at the Davis’. The other grown children may not have been abused, but their kids were vulnerable to Stan. It feels as if Rachael cared more about Eileen than her own child.

  6. Bobbi G Smith-Faulkner May 13, 2016 / 8:30 pm

    Since she couldn’t legally do anything about it. Warning everyone she knows about him could get him caught. Perpetrators never just do anything ‘one time’ especially if they have gotten
    away with it.

  7. Going to go with Anonymous today May 13, 2016 / 9:15 pm

    I am a victim raising the sibling of a victim. These things are tough. I did not remember my own abuse for years and still have dreams where it goes to fog and I don’t knoe what all happened. This is SO unacceptable. There is no way Alan is OK with it. How could you possibly be OK with this when your own mother pretends it didn’t happen. Not to mention Stan may have children or be around children. It is SOOOO hard to overcome the shame and tell someone. Especially your parents, sometimes. I have never told my parents and try as I might I cannot find the perpetrator and so I have kind of let it be. But maybe I shouldn’t have…

    In raising this child, the sib of a victim, I have had to go through therapy with him and have learned allllllllllllllllllllllllllllll about this kind of stuff and the type of damage that ignoring and pretending everything is fine, is just SOOOO bad. Alan is a victim and he deserves the love and support of his mother. But unfortunately, sometimes people have a hard time coming to terms with accusations about people they have grown to love and care for. But that is still wrong.

  8. Anon May 13, 2016 / 9:25 pm

    As a mother, she had an obligation to her son above her friend and her friend’s family. She owed it to him to show that she believed him and she owed it to the other victims of this predator to report it to the police. They may not have had any way to prosecute, but they would have had the history if and when someone else filed a complaint. She also should have told the perp’s mother, since his mother — even if elderly — had an obligation to take action herself. The worst thing to do in this situation is to deny her son his reality, either by denying that it happened at all, or pretending that it never happened at all.

  9. Lauren May 14, 2016 / 1:05 am

    I think it was pretty sad that Rachel acted like nothing had happened after Alan told her about the molestation. It must have taken a lot of courage to share that with her after all these years. Seems like she prefers to be in denial.

  10. jaclyn May 14, 2016 / 1:25 am

    She definitely should stand by her son and acknowledge this crime, if her son has asked her to do so. There should be action taken, regardless of how long ago it happened, unless Alan specifically begged for it to no be revealed about himself. But what about others that can be harmed, or are afraid to come forward about what has happened to them? They should be given the option to step up and take action against this perpetrator, if they choose to.
    I have a friend that was married to a former child molester, yet she was not made aware of his molesting before they married. It was not reported, by all that knew at the time, that he had molested other children (one in particular was a family friend’s younger child). After my friend was married to this man for a time, she opened a home daycare. Five years into her wonderful career in home child care, it was discovered that her husband was inappropriately touching the children in the daycare. Needless to say, my friend reported it along with the parent’s of the children molested. She lost everything, her husband was jailed, and he is now a registered sex offender. The husband confessed about the many children he had harmed over the years. He claimed that he thought he no longer had a problem with molesting children after he was married, but he never received treatment and relapsed. My friend attended a grief and loss support group with me, divorced her husband, eventually working in a childcare setting once again.

  11. anonymous too May 14, 2016 / 3:18 am

    Today I as well will post as anon. First, my heart goes out to CarolAnn and others here that have been victimized. When a survivor of molestation tells, it typically seems to be downplayed, ignored, never to be spoken of again, or can end in a pissing match if told to someone that is also a victim, at least in my experience.

    Those that have never been violated just don’t seem to understand the emotional severity it has throughout the person’s entire life.

    My maternal grandfather was a pedophile and molested me before I was even in kindergarten. I later found out he had done the same with an older cousin who was an infrequent visitor so had less contact with him over the years.
    As I got older and tired of the questions as to when I would have kids, I finally told my paternal grandma that I planned to be childfree by choice as I had been molested. (The evil man had since died). She came back with no sympathy but guess she thought she’d one up me by saying she had an uncle grab her breast once, when she was 16. I fired back with, ‘at least you were old enough to have breasts!’

    I learned to never really discuss it as in a way, I felt victimized in a different way from others that wanted to minimize it but make their issue “worse” than mine. Still happens. I have a newer friend in my life who has been emotionally crippled by her father’s molestation over 50 years ago, and she has argued with me that hers was ‘worse’ because it was a father. Her molestation took place when she was several years older than I was at the time of my violation.

    So other victims I know can’t seem to see where I’m coming from that I don’t believe at age 3, 4, 5 should know anything about someone else’s adult genitals or their own (sexually). Because even as victims themselves, there lives didn’t change course at that age so they think the age theirs happened is worse.

    Allan I don’t think is going to get anywhere with either matriarch. If he can bring an outside party with him he could speak to the siblings of the molester (who likely had already molested his own siblings years ago) and keep it matter of fact, to say if they want to ensure their own kids/grands aren’t vitimized they should not leave their kids alone with Stan.

    By the time I got old enough to learn how babies were made, that’s when I decided I wouldn’t have any. In my child’s mind I knew I wasn’t kept safe from it, and feared I could not keep a child safe from it, and if it happened to my child that I would kill the victimizer. By not having children I spared a victim, and kept myself out of prison.

    • Meaghan May 14, 2016 / 11:22 am

      For my own child molestation story: it’s not much really. When I was around eight years old, there was a boy on my school bus who, over a period of weeks, kept touching me inappropriately. I think it was always on top of my clothes. I remember him trying to kiss me many times and I’d hold a book over my face, and he’d slobber all over that instead. I was on the small side for my age and he was two years older and pretty big for his age, so he pretty much overpowered me.

      The thing is, both then and now, I didn’t view it as a predator/victim situation because this boy wasn’t right in the head. He’d been in special education his whole life, he couldn’t really talk at all, etc. I’m not sure what was wrong with him. Maybe he was mentally retarded, autistic, I don’t know. I knew even at eight that he wasn’t responsible for his actions, but that didn’t mean it didn’t upset me a lot.

      After my coming home in tears every day for like two weeks straight my mother asked me what was wrong and I said something about “This boy is touching me and bothering me all the time.” She said she would call the school and ask them to speak to the bus driver. To the best of my knowledge she never actually did that, though, and the situation continued for another month or so until the boy just got tired of me and stopped. Once it was over I thought very little about it; I don’t remember being especially traumatized or anything. I just viewed it as an unpleasant experience I’d gone through.

      It does bother me that my mom did not try to stop what was going on. I’d like to think that she simply didn’t realize what I was trying to tell her. I didn’t know what molestation was, or what inappropriate touching was, and maybe she just thought a boy was teasing me or something. I’ve never brought it up with her in all these years since then.

      • T.T. May 14, 2016 / 2:40 pm

        First off, let me say how much my heart goes out to everyone here who has been abused. The pain of having something like this happen to you is something that you never get over.

        I have never been sexually abused, thankfully, but I have been physically abused by both my father and a neighborhood boy. In fact, your story, Meghan, reminded me of this incident, which I have never told anyone about, not even my closest of friends. Everyday on the way of school in kindergarten or first grade (which was up the street from my house), this boy would beat me up. He was mentally ill as well and even though my memory is hazy about the specific details such as how long it occurred, I know that nothing of real consequence ever happened to him.

        My father was also very abusive to me and my older siblings. There was even a rumor about him beating my older half-sister with a pipe and breaking her arm. My mother knew all about this, but of course did nothing about it. I could say that there are factors as to why this was (her being raised in a “different time”, the attitudes about abuse differs in Black families, etc.) but it would all end up looking like bullshit. Plus, anytime it was hinted at or attempted to be brought up, it would end up being minimalized, ignored, result in an aforementioned “pissing match” or I be told to “get over it”.

        That being said, I find the whole situation of what happened to Alan to be reprehensible. Not being openly defended, especially in a case where the other party involved is so clearly in the wrong, is one of the most embarrassing and heartbreaking things that can ever happen to someone. It’s much worse when the person who is invalidating your feelings and pain is someone you love. She had/has a duty to her child and to other children and parents as well to tell on him. People like him never stop.

  12. petraweston May 14, 2016 / 3:25 am

    This is tough, I can understand the invalidation Alan must feel, some people feel if they had to acknowledge things and act on them it would cause too much pain in their own life and it wouldn’t achieve anything. I was abused by my stepfather and my mother is still in denial. Its like a defense mechanism but hes abusive as well so I understand it as a survival technique and OF Course it hurts, it hurts a lot especially as I am having a daughter pretty soon and have to decide if my mum can even see her with my stepfather still being in my mothers life. I think there are things you can do for yourself, Alan can validate his own feelings and remember that just because one person denies things happened doesn’t make that the truth, don’t be dismissive of his own experience which was so painful, join some support groups, it happens more often then people think and it does really suck and its not right but you can’t change people sometimes. You need to accept at some point that this is the situation you are in and just make the best of it and move forward and of course its not easy. I wish your friend all the best and I hope he knows that you care about him and his experiences.

  13. saddened by the story May 14, 2016 / 6:21 pm

    I think we need to take into account how long/often it happened as well as “Stan’s” age. He apparently was somewhere between a pre-teen and a teen. The younger he was the less imo it would be about actual sexual motivation and more about curiosity. Yes he without a doubt passed moral/ethical guidelines, but children don’t understand them. If he were young as well as Alan, then Alan was chosen by being so very young and defenseless that to me is more of an issue than the actual sexual nature. I know I am conveying this wrong, I hope that someone gets what I am saying, I am not minimalizing what was done or the effect it had on Alan, Stan’s motivation would never change those things. I am only wondering if in fact aside from this incident or series of incidents, Stan would have violated anyone else. As far as his mother’s reaction of lack thereof, we also need to remember she was a product of her own upbringing when it wasn’t spoken of. I hope that she didn’t make Alan feel invalidated but as you said you never asked so we can only make assumptions, Did she continue to see Stan, or only the rest of the children? Was it her responsibility to tell his family? What could his siblings do at this point except be horrified and embarrassed? There are too many variables since it happened so long ago, and there is no cut and dried way to handle these situations. I would hope that she does whatever Alan needs to heal and to know that he was in no way responsible. I hope that no matter what course Alan decides to take now or later that she will be solidly in his corner and put his emotional needs before hers.

    • Liz May 14, 2016 / 9:15 pm

      I am not so sure it matter how old he is. Stan was abusing his power and that is one way to determine if it is abuse and not just curiosity. And regardless, the damage that is caused Alan is intense regardless. And his mother invalidated his painful experience. It’s so not OK.

  14. Nicola May 15, 2016 / 12:42 pm

    I haven’t read all the earlier posts word for word so apologies if this repeats anything already said.

    The way I see it is this. Alan opted to tell his mother of the abuse as an adult in the knowledge of her friendship with the family of his abuser. As an adult, Alan is free to approach the family of his abuser & advise them of what Stan did to him & doesn’t require his mother to do so on his behalf (albeit he could request her to support him in him choosing to do so.) In opting to only tell his Mother this indicates, in my opinion, that Alan did not wish to divulge those details to the family of Stan.

    I do not see that it became his mother’s responsibility to do this, but was a choice for Alan. With him choosing not to, perhaps it would have been inappropriate for Rachel to take it upon herself to do so. It would then be difficult for Rachel to just inexplicably cut ties with the longstanding relationship she has with the family, pretty much all of whom had nothing to do with the abuse it seems. Had she done so, I personally suspect that in time Rachel may have confided in members of the family regarding this (as opposed to having to lie to give a reason for suddenly blocking them out her life), which seems to contradict Alan’s wishes to not advise them.

    I think you’ve described a very difficult situation & it’s hard to say for sure what is right & wrong here without knowing more about what Alan feels about it all. If Alan had wanted his mother to support him in approaching the family then yes I think as a mother she should support that decision. But as that doesn’t seem to be the case here. I can’t see that she had an obligation to act, when Alan does not seem to be expecting her to & in doing so she may create a result that Alan has tried to avoid e.g in making the abuse public.

    As a side note, it’s a strange concept to me that sexual abuse is subject to statutory limitation where you are. Here (in Scotland) no such limitation exists and historic sexual abuse cases can be successfully prosecuted although often not without difficulty.

    • Meaghan May 15, 2016 / 5:26 pm

      They’re trying to change the whole statute of limitations thing for sexual abuse in the United States. It depends on what state you are in. Of course if there is DNA evidence that’s been preserved, it makes things a lot easier. I have a Charley Project missing persons case where years before her disappearance, the MP was raped by a stranger. (This isn’t believed to have been related to her disappearance.) Some years after her attack, because the DNA had been taken and preserved, her rapist was caught and sentenced to prison time. But so many times there is no DNA, or it’s not adequately preserved, or it gets thrown out when the statute of limitations run out, or the rape kits are never tested in the first place because there’s not enough state funding to do so.

      Seriously, Google “untested rape kits.” It’s quite a scandal and is a problem in multiple states. And also, sometimes the victim has to pay for the testing themselves. I think that is terrible. I can understand the victim having to pay for medical treatment for their injuries (though often crime victims’ funds reimburse them for medical expenses and lost pay if they have to take time of off work) but rape kits are not treatment, they are evidence gathering. You might as well pay for the cops to dust for fingerprints at your house after it’s been burglarized.

      I was beaten and raped multiple times by a stranger (a serial attacker, it turned out), while on vacation in 2009. My case was handled very professionally by the police and I have no complaints about them or the investigation, but it still took almost a year to identify my attacker. He raped someone else, was caught, and then they tested his DNA and matched it to the sample taken from my rape kit. They got DNA even though he used a condom — they’re getting better at being able to obtain and identify smaller and smaller samples. I also had a bunch of people online who accused me of making up the story to get attention, or even filing a false report. It was very upsetting to me. In a way it was more upsetting than the attack itself. The man who raped me was a stranger and he did it because he hated women, so what he did was kind of “nothing personal”; I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. But the people online who called me a liar, many of them I knew, and some of them I thought of as friends. That hurt. A lot.

      But my boyfriend, my family, my offline friends, my medical providers and my boss and coworkers all supported me and never questioned my account. I had to stay in a mental health facility for about a week to sort of decompress from what happened. The psychiatrist, therapist, social worker and other mental health people I was already seeing at the time (I have bipolar disorder and some other issues, if you didn’t already know) were able to help in the aftermath.

      If you look at my blog category marked “June 16” (the date it happened) at https://charleyross.wordpress.com/category/tangents/june-16/ you can read all my blog entries relating to the attack. Even now, almost seven years later, I feel the mental effects from it, especially around the time it happened. As for the rapist, he was convicted of one of his other rapes and sentenced to five (!) years in prison. He was an illegal immigrant from Sudan. I decided not to press charges against him and so he was deported when he got out of prison. It was a tough choice but I have no regrets. Prison in America might well be worse than freedom in Sudan, given their famine and their war and so on. I was also told it would be a hard case to prove and I could well imagine being eviscerated by his attorney in cross-examination, etc. The rape was hard enough; the trial would probably have been even more traumatizing. In cases like this no one wins it’s a matter of how much you’re willing to lose. I decided I had already lost enough.

  15. Anastasia May 15, 2016 / 4:46 pm

    I believe Alan will never be validated by his mother about the abuse he suffered at the hands of Stan. I was in a similar situation in which I was at a large day care that was set up like a school. Each class would have a “teacher” and approximately 15 kids. All the kids in my class were 4 or 5. I had complained to my Nana about the teacher, a female, was encouraging a few of the boys to inappropriately touch the girls. I was one of them and my best friend was another. My friend lived with her grandparents and when she told them they removed her from the daycare. My grandmother told my parents and I told the separately. Nothing happened. I was scarred so badly being molested over and over I blocked it from my mind. Until I was sexually assaulted as an adult quite badly. I grew up in a household with a physically and mentally abusive father. He would beat me and my kid brother when no one else was around but there were bruises and scars that my mother saw and ignored. Remembered once my Nana threatening to call the police on my dad. My mom told her if she did that Nana wouldn’t see any of us again.

    Why am I stating all of this? Because after I had a meltdown at work and was forced to see a psychiatrist. I confronted my mom about everything and all she said was “would you like me to say I am sorry?” She did apologize but it meant nothing completely empty. She said it to make me happy but you could see that my dad meant more to her than her kids. And the molestation…I thought it was a dream until I asked her. She said it did happen. When I asked her why she didn’t stop it, she said, “your father handled it.” Woman didn’t want to internalize that she was a terrible person for not being a REAL MOTHER.

    As for my father…about the abuse he said that he might have gone a little far once or twice. Happen at least twice a week, every week for years…but that’s not how he sees it. On molestation he said that he called the daycare and they said they would remove the teacher. He never checked to find out if that happened.

    Alan’s mother will never fully acknowledge his abuse because then she would have admit that she wasn’t there when he needed her and face her failings as a mother who’s mentor was a monster’s mother. That she idolized and sought friendship with a person who ignored a monstrous act. Far easier for her to ignore her son. That’s what my parents did and are doing.

    Some people should never be parents. My parents are two of them. I love them for giving me life, but they are nothing but a sperm donor and egg incubator. My real family is my husband, his family and my brothers. Hopefully Alan will find his “family” and there he will find his peace. It will take more time but he will be even stronger.

  16. CP May 16, 2016 / 3:31 pm

    I am just guessing, but if Alan was 45, Rachel 70 and Eileen 85 what exactly did Alan want his Mother to do? He told her the truth and she did not question his credibility. Did he want her to have a sit-down with all the surviving family members and discuss it openly?
    I think as an adult it is now Alan’s choice as to what to do about it. His Mom couldn’t protect him then and she cannot decide for him now who gets the information and who does not. I am sure her guilt is unbearable. But if Alan wants to have open discussions, or possibly open an investigation about Stan then he needs to lead that fight.

  17. Susan May 17, 2016 / 9:31 pm

    I was assaulted twice by male caregivers, neither of whom ever had any repercussions as far as I know. It has affected my life, as much as I let it. I will say I try every day, very hard, to move on. That said, this situation is a bit of a witch. It is very easy to say what one would do if presented with such a situation…ever see “What Would You Do?” or some such on tv? It is a lot harder to make a decision when confronted with something like that. I cannot judge because none of us are in the mother’s shoes. Maybe there were other issues going on. Maybe she wasn’t very “maternal”. Maybe she would just rather deny than help. I don’t know, and no one ever will. That much time passage is also very hard to overcome. I think, personally, that the best anyone can do is just go on. Life is, after all, for the living.

  18. whereaboutsstillunknown May 19, 2016 / 12:11 am

    I also have not read all the responses so forgive me if I am duplicating. I think that it would be wrong to ‘disown’ the whole family because of the actions of one of the kids. If she was having contact with Stan, I would say that was wrong, but since nobody said anything at the time, it’s not as if Stan’s parents and siblings could have been expected to do anything, as they surely had no clue it was happening. As for whether Rachel should have said something to others once she learned of it, maybe Alan didn’t want her to and she was respecting his privacy? If he wanted her to say something, then I think she should have, but I think it’s pretty likely that he did not.

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