Happy Halloween, everybody

I hope it’s a good, safe, fun holiday for everyone. I’m not planning on doing anything for it. Might go visit Mom or something, I don’t know.

Re: the depression, I suppose I’m improved from this latest episode. It was pretty bad — I stopped eating entirely for about two weeks. My only nourishment was my two-liter-a-day Mountain Dew habit. AND I stopped reading books — horrific. Then I called my dad to apologize for being a horrible useless burden on him, for having failed at everything I’d ever tried to do in life, and he got so scared that he drove all the way to Michael’s to go get me.

I get tired of this happening, over and over again, no matter how hard I try to do everything right. When I saw my psychiatrist I suggested he just give up on me already. What difference does it really make to him, what I do? But of course he said it was out of the question and let’s try increasing my dose of Drug D and see him in a month. I don’t know if it’s helping or not. Sometimes I think it is. The last two days have been okay. The day before that, though, I hated myself and hated humanity in general and wanted the whole world to burn.

I tell myself: it could be worse. I’m blessed in many ways. I have a supportive family. I have Michael. I have my friends. I have a doctor and therapists who understand me. I am no longer in constant pain. My medicine works, sometimes, sort of, and I don’t have many side effects.

And I’ve got this blog, and the Charley Project in general, aka The Only Actual Accomplishment In My Entire Life.