Still idling…

I really cannot get motivated lately — I haven’t even written in my journal in like two weeks, never mind doing anything else — and seem to be unusually anxious. By which I mean I am not anxious when I’m just sitting around and things are fine, but if the least little thing goes wrong I explode. Michael asked me to go out and get groceries and take his car. I did so, and when I returned, parked the car and went to the other side to get the other groceries, the passenger side door wouldn’t open after several tries, even though it was unlocked. It turned out the latch is basically broken and he’d forgotten to tell me. Anyway, I basically exploded. I went to Michael practically in tears, saying I was unable to get the groceries out of the car. It was really embarrassing because he was gaming with all his friends and, like, eight people saw me freaking out over a little tiny thing.

It wasn’t that I thought it was my fault the door didn’t work; it’s just that the door was supposed to open and it didn’t and I sometimes have problems when things don’t go as they’re expected to go. It’s an Aspergers-y thing, I think. I’m a lot better than I used to be, but I sometimes have bad moments and they’re happening a lot more lately. *shrugs* Dunno why. Got some guesses, but don’t know why.

But I must update tomorrow. It’ll be Tuesday.

15 thoughts on “Still idling…

  1. Kat May 7, 2012 / 8:00 pm

    Or maybe you just had one of those moments that we all have, and just freaked out, period. Considering all the stress you’ve been under for the last few years (!), I don’t think that’s too bad. Hey, I do it. It just takes that one last little thing to warrant an entire blowup and reset of the system. I wouldn’t be too hard on yourself. I bet everyone on here has a moment like that. šŸ™‚

  2. Andrea May 7, 2012 / 8:37 pm

    I’ve been super stressed out lately and mad about little things, too. We all have those days. I felt like crying when my roommates left me to clean up a mess when we all had to be out by a deadline and again when I couldn’t find something minute. Just try to relax and do something comforting for a while šŸ™‚

  3. Willie Dinardo May 7, 2012 / 11:18 pm

    I’m that way too. Sometimes it’s the little things that hurt the most.

    • Meaghan May 8, 2012 / 3:12 pm

      It happens to everyone, I know, but it happens a lot more to me than to others. I admit my tolerance level and ability to withstand frustration has improved a great deal over the past few days, but my general nervousness is still way above average.

      In a similar incident, several years ago, Michael sent me to the store to get bread. He wanted a specific kind, and the store was out of stock. The shelf was empty. I stared at the empty spot for a long time and had no idea what to do. I must have had a desperate aura to me but a passerby asked me what was wrong and I stammered that I needed this bread and my boyfriend had sent me out to get it, and they didn’t have it. She summoned an employee to look in the storeroom to see if the bread was hiding there, but it was not — they were clean out.

      I stood there with tears steaming down my face. The woman then asked how old I was, and if I needed help. I told her I was twenty-one years old. I think she was under the impression that Michael was going to beat me up or something if I returned without the bread. (Of course, if I had reassured he he would not, that would have made her even more suspicious.) I thanked her for trying to assist me, and then left and went home, very upset. Of course, when I told Michael that the bread he wanted was unavailable, he shrugged it off and made do with the bread we had already — which I had known all along that he would. The problem, just like the car door problem, was that things did not go as they were expected to. I expected bread to be on the shelf, and there was no bread and I couldn’t think of anything else, I just sort of panicked and kept thinking “the bread should be there, why isn’t it there.” My mind was just stuck on this thought, even though I knew this was no fault of mine and there would be no real consequences. This kind of rigid thinking and behavior is a marked characteristic of mine, and one I’ve been working to improve for seven or eight years now. I am getting better.

      (I was severely depressed and unmedicated at the time, which probably had something to do with it all. My medication has worked wonders for me. It doesn’t make me feel weird or anything, it just takes the edge off of things, takes the weight off my chest. I don’t know how much of it was depression, how much of it was depression-induced anxiety, and how much of it was Asperger’s.)

  4. Swilltastic May 8, 2012 / 6:52 am

    I’ve got those Aspberg-y issues just like you… perhaps you should return to your friend the journal right now

    • Meaghan May 8, 2012 / 2:57 pm

      I keep my journal both for myself, but also for the benefit of history. There are very few handwritten diaries left, mostly they’re kept electronically now, and electronic records don’t last as long as paper ones. My journal benefits myself a great deal, mainly by charting the course of my moods. This is a great asset in self-monitoring my always-fragile mental health, and occasionally I show it to my doctors and therapists too. My journal helped a psychiatrist diagnose me with bipolar, and prescribe medication that provided great relief for me. He noticed that I would often write an entry talking about how happy I was, then a day or two later write I was a failure and a disappointment to everyone and wished I was dead. Or I’d write saying, “I felt really happy today, then suddenly I felt incredibly sad for no reason and wanted to cry. Then after awhile the feeling passed. I don’t know why this happened.” Classic signs of rapid-cycling bipolar disorder. The mood stabilizer I got helped me just as much, or more, as the anti-depressant I’d been taking for almost three years before that.

      I’m not sure it will ever benefit history though. I was inspired to write the journal by reading published diaries written by ordinary people from various times in history. But I rarely write about events going on outside my own thoughts and my circle of family and friends. Politics depresses me and I try not to think about it, and other current events, except for true crime and missing persons stuff, don’t interest me much.

      Who knows, maybe in the unlikely event that I have children, they might find some interest in my diaries after my death. They might have a hard time understanding them though. I don’t bother to explain things I write about that I already know — like, I’ll write about someone without bothering to introduce him; why should I, since I already knew who he was. So mostly, my journals are for me.

      Fortunately I’m not the type who has to worry about concealing my journal. I’m quite open about keeping it, it’s the unlocked variety (an ordinary black and white mottled composition notebook), and I leave it out in the open, but I trust those I love not to read it without my permission.

  5. Melissa May 8, 2012 / 7:14 am

    Sounds hard. Have you had a recent change in your medications or the dosages? Sorry to get all clinical on you šŸ˜‰

    I second what someone else said – take some time to relax and do something pleasant and that you enjoy. It will help drain your ‘anxiety bank’ so it’s no longer full, and it will take less time for you to “freak out” and fill up your ‘anxietyy bank’ again. I hope that makes sense. Sorry to get all clinical on you again šŸ™‚ .

    • Meaghan May 8, 2012 / 3:16 pm

      No, nothing in my meds have changed — I’ve been taking the same stuff for almost a year now and have been quite satisfied with it. In fact on the most recent cocktail I have felt better than I have in my whole life.

      But a few weeks ago something terrible happened to one of my very few real-life friends (not as in like he died, but still a very bad thing and very injust) and I’ve felt down about it ever since. Michael and I will be visiting him Friday, for the first time since the unfortunate event, and hope this will improve my mood. Of course, a lot of that will depend on how HE’S feeling and coping with his problem.

  6. Humbled_Observer May 8, 2012 / 8:15 am

    years ago i worked at a taco bell in dayton ohio. gawd how i hated that job. dealing with the public is so not for me. i didn’t (and still don’t) care for customer service type work. but that job did have one perk.

    there was a big walk-in freezer that was practically sound proof when the door was shut. so after something particularly scream-inducing would happen, i’d go into that freezer and shout and cuss as loud as i wanted to.

    man what a relief it was! my co-workers started doing it too. then it became a running joke that even on our days off we could go into that freezer and relieve some stress. i doubt anyone ever did, but it was nice knowing we had access to the freezer.

    • Kat May 8, 2012 / 3:45 pm

      I have no idea how long ago this was, but I worked customer service for years, and I have to agree, it does suck. Badly. The happiest I ever was was when I worked overnight stocking. I got skinny, too. Only a skeleton crew, could stock the stuff in the right place, no crazy people. It was good times. I’d like to add, I got rid of a two year backup in inventory in two months *fluffs feathers*. But if I had to work out front again, ever, I’d need that damn freezer.

      • Meaghan May 8, 2012 / 4:27 pm

        I worked as a night stock girl in an evil corporate giant for three years. God, how I hated that job, I think my brain would have atrophied if I’d kept up at it. But at least it was quiet and relatively stress-free.

        Last week Michael and a friend and I were at a restaurant and at the end of the meal I summoned the manager. I’m sure the waitress felt much trepidation, but she had nothing to fear: I told the manager she’d been an excellent server, and had in fact gone above and beyond the call of duty (she noticed the music on speaker was bothering me intensely, to the point where I had to take a break outside, and without being asked she had it turned down), and asked him to send her our compliments and make a note in her file or something.

  7. amy May 8, 2012 / 12:18 pm

    I burst into tears today in the Rite-Aid today because I couldnt’ find my car keys. Everyone in the store helped me look- and it was in my bra. Talk about feeling like a fool- and I’d put it there because I didn’t have pockets and I didn’t want to lose it.

    • Meaghan May 8, 2012 / 2:43 pm

      How on earth did you not feel the pointy metal things inside your bra?

      • amy May 8, 2012 / 3:59 pm

        Terrible to say but I can only plead giant boobies and high anxiety at that moment. Story of my life. I’m having an anxiety attack as I write about going to my kid’s band concert tonight, since I have an ear infection. I am pretty sure I’m not going to have a choice about this one though. Sigh.

  8. Kat May 8, 2012 / 4:16 pm

    I second high anxiety…I just talked to one of my stepdaughters, and she’s coming for a visit. Cool, yeah? She asked then if she could bring her sister and my two stepgrandkids. I said “hell yeah” and then I got off the phone and went..wait, what did I say? Three small kids, three females, and my poor husband who gets to come home to chaos. HAHAHAHAHAHA! I wrote a little ditty/poem about it and sent it to my sister, but I probably can’t post it here. I’m already freaking about where to put them all and they won’t be here for a few weeks! Such is life.

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