I have been pretty inactive this last week or so. The evaluation didn’t go too well — the psychologist I spoke to wants my psychiatrist’s notes before he’ll make any decision as to whether I’m worthy to get into their precious I-Match Program or not. He says he thinks my mental illness — depression/bipolar — might be the cause of my headaches. I know that’s not true and I wonder if they just want some excuse not to let me in. I wonder how selective they are, if maybe they are very selective cause they want to keep their success rate up. But anyway it’s more waiting, more red tape. I asked my psychiatrist’s office to forward the records. HE does not think my headaches are psychosomatic. I just hope the Cleveland Clinic psychologist doesn’t take months to read everything through and I hope he doesn’t reject me. If I-Match doesn’t let me in I don’t know what I’ll do.
The whole thing put me in a very melancholy frame of mind. I felt so hopeless. I had really hoped the psych eval would be the last hoop I’d have to jump through to get into the program, and now I’m stuck in limbo again. I can’t live this way. I can’t work, I can’t go to school, I can’t hold up my end of my relationship with Michael. He has always had a great deal of tolerance and he understands the situation, but I know he’s bothered by how much I basically ignore him lately. These days, even when I’m with him, I’m not really with him.
And I’m in a great deal of pain. The Fentanyl patches were pretty much a washout and I stopped using them. I’ve had to go to the hospital twice in the last week, most recently last night, for injections. I told them I needed Demerol and it’s the only thing that really works, but they refused to give it to me and I got THREE injections in the butt of some drugs or other that, as I knew they would, only sort of reduced the pain. And this is the same hospital that regularly gives me Demerol shots, prescribed by family doctor, during the daytime. It makes no sense.
Everyone at the Cleveland Clinic keeps saying “Stop taking painkillers, they will make it worse in the long run.” Well, that’s easy for them to say. They’re not the ones who wake up every day in anticipation of grinding pain, who often feel like screaming out loud in frustration as much as anything, who sleep endlessly because it’s the only way to keep the headaches at bay. And they have provided NO alternatives for me. None of their stupid “headache prevention” meds have done anything for me.
I got a new power cable for my laptop, but I haven’t felt like updating Charley or really doing much of anything. Everything keeps piling up in my inbox, corrections that need to be made, people have been found, etc., but I just can’t bring myself to get going on them, although working on Charley would probably improve my mood. Forgive me, everyone. I feel like I’m letting you all down as much as I am my boyfriend.
I may have to live like this for the rest of my life. I read a book recently by a woman who has the same condition as me, and she’s had her headache since 1991. Mine’s been less than a year.
Christ, I want my life back. I want MYSELF back.