The quest for “Ivan Match”

The I-Match people are still not returning my calls. I called them twice today. The first time I got transferred around and finally landed on a busy signal. I shouted a bad word and threw my phone against the wall. Then I called them again and refused to let the operator transfer me, explaining my predicament and begging her to Do Something. She went away and then came back to say the I-Match director would call me back this very same day, Scout’s Honor.

(As of this writing she has two and a half hours till the clinic closes. I’m waaaaaiting…..)

I called my neurologist in Fort Wayne, Dr. Bultemeyer, and left a message saying could she call the I-Match people. I thought maybe a doctor’s message would carry more weight than my own. The nurse called back and said, what on earth do I want, what is the I-Match, etc. I tried hard to be patient and explain what it was.

“Spell it,” she said.

“I hyphen match,” I said.

She said she would try to call them. I got into the shower. In the middle of my showering she called back. I raced to take it, dripping wet, hoping it might be Cleveland. No, it was the nurse, saying that nobody at the Cleveland Clinic had ever heard of a Dr. Ivan Match, and her Google searches were also fruitless, so what exactly did I want her to do?

I think if I had actually been there I would have bitten her.

Once again I explained my problem and emphasized the I-Match was not a doctor, indeed not a person, it was a three-week pain management program.

“Not neurology?” she said.

“Not neurology,” I said wearily. If she had actually pulled up my patient file she would have seen I was in for headaches.

She called back in about 45 minutes to say she had made an appointment for me to see Dr. Barron, my neurologist in Cleveland, at 3:00 p.m. today. I resisted the urge to ask her if she had reserved a helicopter for me. Cleveland is 226 miles from Fort Wayne, and 193 miles from my home in Ohio, and when she called me it was 1:30 p.m. I tried to keep the rage and frustration out of my voice while I told her I would be unable to make the appointment because I was too far away.

“Cancel the appointment then,” she said. She gave me the number to call and hung up. I didn’t get the chance to tell her that I did not want to see Dr. Barron anyway, since he had told me he could do nothing more for me and it was he who referred me to the I-Match program.

I called Cleveland again and canceled the appointment. The lady tried to reschedule me but I explained that I wanted to go into I-Match. She tried to transfer me to the director’s voice mail but I stopped her. “I don’t know what to do for you,” she said. “The only way to get into the I-Match is to call the director.” Fine, I said, just cancel the appointment.

At this point I was desperate for help from a doctor, ANY doctor, to get ahold of I-Match. I contemplated asking Dr. Bruno’s office if they would call the I-Match program for me. Instead I called Dr. Easley, explained my problem to the nurse and asked her to call. She promised to “investigate.”

Now I am feeling rather homicidal about it all, and considering desperate methods, such as threatening to immolate myself on the Cleveland Clinic steps if I don’t get an appointment, or kidnapping the director and holding her hostage like that guy did in House.

Now I wait.

5 thoughts on “The quest for “Ivan Match”

  1. KER August 29, 2011 / 5:47 pm

    deep breaths…no murder…it would not look right considering the website you run and all

    • Meaghan August 29, 2011 / 10:03 pm

      They never called.

  2. Justin August 29, 2011 / 11:24 pm

    Here is something from the Simpsons Treehouse of Horror V that may be something that you can relate to.

    UTKR – Urge to Kill Rising (Shining Episode of the Simpsons)

  3. zoe August 30, 2011 / 1:10 am

    Seriously think they need to look at their treatment procedure lol, I mean if you didn’t already have a headache you would after dealing with them …

  4. Justin August 30, 2011 / 2:40 am

    Completely off topic

    Nancy Grace is going to be on Dancing With the Stars.

    She can dance? People want to see her dance? I bet michellefrommadison will go insane. I wonder if they are going to put Casey Anthony up there as well, because lets face it… the networks have no shame and will do anything to get ahead in the ratings. I can just see the two of them facing off. Nah, I don’t like NG that much, but I’m pretty sure she would walk off if CA was put on stage.

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