The increased dose of morphine is working. My headache pain is much reduced. This past week I was in quite a lot of pain more or less constantly. Today it only hurts a little.
I didn’t sleep at all last night. Not for lack of trying. I went to bed at a little after one, I think, then lay in the dark and quiet for the next seven hours, tossing and turning, sometimes drowsing but mostly wide awake. I’m sure that in those seven hours I did not sleep a wink. You’d think, being stuffed with various pain medications that are all supposed to cause drowsiness, I’d be out like a light, but no. I didn’t fall asleep till 8:00 a.m. This is the second time this has happened. The first time was last weekend, I think Sunday night or Saturday night. Shrug.
I’ve been kicking around a theory that the headache is actually my severe depression manifesting itself physically. I began to feel remarkably cheerful right around mid-October and have remained so ever since, except for my anxieties about my health, and who wouldn’t be worried at this point? I’ve hardly thought about killing myself at all. It’s amazing — I haven’t felt this good, mentally, in as long as I can remember. I have had severe depression and suicidal thoughts to one degree or another for virtually all of my life, up until mid-October of last year. And mid-October is also when the headaches began. The timing was well nigh exact. So I wonder.
Sometimes my emotional problems do come out as physical problems. After Rollo attacked me, the emotional impact of it all didn’t hit me for quite some time, like ten days or so. And a few days before it did I began to itch, all over my entire body, all the time, without cause. I scratched myself constantly, often drawing blood. I rubbed lotion all over myself (I even bought the expensive kind, not the cheap stuff I usually use, just to see if that would help), I even took a bath in baking soda like they say to do if you have chicken pox, but with no relief at all. Then it turned out the itch was just my body freaking out a little in advance of my brain/mind freaking out over what had happened to me. So I started to itch. Then about three days later I had a complete emotional collapse and became a danger to myself and others and had to be briefly institutionalized. And stopped itching.
Also, my legs were having these bad muscle tremors around the same time. They didn’t hurt but they shook constantly, sitting or standing. It was visible even through my baggy pants if you cared to look. It got to the point where it became somewhat difficult to walk. Going down steps in particular was very hard. The trembling in my legs stopped after I’d been in the rest home chilling out for a few days. Just one more example of extreme emotional pain and stress coming out as a physical problem.
So, getting back to my headaches, if they are being caused by depression, I wonder if they would go away if I could just convince my shrink, Dr. Bruno, to increase my anti-depressant doses again. If it could be that simple. But would he be willing do to that on the strength of this theory/guess? He is aware that my head hurts and I’m miserable. The last three appointments I’ve come to him clutching at my head in a great deal of pain. He hasn’t had anything to say about it though. Hmm. Imagine: “Dr. Bruno, I am asking you to increase my medication, not because I’m feeling depressed, but because I am NOT feeling depressed…” That wouldn’t go over well. I would need to phase my argument correctly. Maybe try it like an experiment, two weeks at a higher dose of anti-depressants and see if the pain stops?
That’s assuming the stupid MRI/MRA etc doesn’t show anything and the Topamax and what have you doesn’t work at maximum dose and so on.
I’m snowed in today. Can’t go anywhere cause the roads are so bad, and my car won’t start in any case. I think snow got under the hood. I’ve done and completed all my Charley updates for tomorrow, already.