There is something wrong with me

You will notice I’ve been updating less. And I have an update written for today, but can’t be bothered to go through the final step — listing the new and updated cases on the updates page, adding new cases to the lists, etc. I can’t do anything. I don’t WANT to do anything. Lately it’s been a struggle to get even the simplest domestic tasks done. I let the laundry pile up until I had to spend a day and a half washing and drying. I left freshly dried clothes crumpled in a basket in the laundry room for over a week and now they have to be dried again because they’re so wrinkled. I let the dishes sit in the sink until I ran out of clean ones. My room is a tip and I can’t find the motivation to clean it up. Emails are sitting unanswered in my inbox and corrections need to be made and I haven’t made them. I would think of taking a break from Charley for awhile — but a break to do what? I can’t do ANYTHING.

There’s more. I can’t enjoy anything these days. I continue to read avidly, but I’m plodding diligently through my books rather than gulping them down with relish like usual. I had a bit of extra money and thought I’d buy something to cheer myself up, and went shopping online — and couldn’t find a single thing I wanted.

I bought a little notebook and made a list of tasks I need to accomplish from one day to the next. None of them are particularly onerous: “Call insurance company,” “Pay bills,” etc. And even having written them down under a big block print GOALS, I cannot do them.

I am so lazy. And so useless.

My apologies. I’m signing off. Elvis has left the building.

16 thoughts on “There is something wrong with me

  1. Lisa September 10, 2009 / 12:41 pm

    Depression. See a doc ASAP!

    • Meaghan September 10, 2009 / 12:49 pm

      Already seeing one. Already taking meds. Already seeing two different therapists. *bangs head against wall*

  2. Lisa September 10, 2009 / 12:52 pm

    Awww… sorry. I have depression too and you know, this past couple of weeks have had days like that. This Monday was particularly bad.

    Hugs to you.

  3. emma l September 10, 2009 / 3:45 pm

    Oh I hear ya. You have depression, but then you know that.
    You need to do fun stuff. FIND STUFF YOU LIKE! It does exist. Think of a single fun thing that you would like to do and force yourself to do it. That action in itself will make you feel better. Carpe Diem Meaghan!!! But I really feel for you.

  4. Wendy September 10, 2009 / 3:54 pm

    So sorry to hear this Meaghan! I hope the black cloud lifts soon.

  5. Ruth September 10, 2009 / 9:58 pm

    I have a few landry baskets too plus a load in the dryer that has been there since I dried them three days ago. There is funky stuff in my fridge, my grass is always the highest on the block, my room has a semi path to get in and out…..I so know how you feel! Getting out of the house may do you some good, atleast out in the sun. I have tried every anti-depressant known to man over 10 years and to my dismay, found there is no happy pill and if there is, it is probably illegal:) Hope tomorrow is better.

  6. donna September 11, 2009 / 6:47 pm

    I know how you feel as well. I take meds too, but there are days where I don’t want to do anything can’t to anything. I hope this passes soon for you. I’ll send positive energy your way.

  7. ginger September 11, 2009 / 10:08 pm

    I know how you feel, too — there are lots of us out here. I’m sending all the positive thoughts your way I can. I hope you feel better soon. Someone who does as much good as you deserves a bright life. Thank you for all your hard work.

  8. Jamie September 11, 2009 / 11:46 pm

    Your to cute…Meaghan! Its called LIFE…some days, months, or even years can make us feel that way…All I can write is your normal! I work full-time as a High School Nurse, work with 2 other nurses that make me laugh…But the Adm. Staff are younger and go by the textbooks….They must of all been born with a manuel up their butts, they havent had enough trauma in their lives to understand it, or how fast it goes by…So Meaghan my girl, Dont do the laundry, or the dishes, or even make your bed…find a friend and go out…do a girls week-end, or even a nite…find a friend that likes to do stupid stuff, like ring your the neighbors doorbell and run like hell…Halloween is coming up and my 2 daughters and I (51yrs old) get dress in black and buy all the toilet paper in our store and hit the town….It has become a big thing that if we miss someone they are very disappointed and call me…one rule…we dont paper if rain is in the forcast and we dont start papering until after midnite….we do so much running and hiding and almost pee our pants from laughter…then we hit a diner and talk about how we almost got caught from the home owner or the police….Best fun ever, try it this year…Remember………only you can make yourself happy!

    Love your site and reading the up-dates I am your fan, and you didnt even know you had one!

    Jamie

  9. danielle davis September 12, 2009 / 3:16 am

    You are depressed. Seek professional help! Untreated depression is very dangerous. Probably a lot going on in your life with the healing from your trama of rape. Take care and keep us updated! We want you to be okay!

  10. Shawn September 12, 2009 / 7:20 am

    It does sound like depression, but you’re doing what needs to be done. This is to be expected. It takes time. It’s not your fault if you’re not 100% right away. The website will be here when you get back. So will the laundry and your books. And you will come back.

  11. Kelly September 12, 2009 / 3:00 pm

    I would send you a plain old e-mail, but according to you, “e-mails piling up”, etc.

    Meaghan, umm, dontcha think your have had some pretty extreme stress? And yet you continue to update, work, etc. Your poor head has been thru the wringer. Of course you’re depressed. Just keep seeing your therapist(s) and taking the meds they are prescribing. I’m sure you have advised them of your lethargy…I hope you have. Bein’ a slug aint pretty, but unfortunately, it happens to so many of us who suffer from depression. Throw in a horrible physical and psychological event and your kinda screwed! At some point, you will get a burst of energy and “get ur done”….Give it time and again, make sure you let both shrinks know whats goin on with you.

    Geez, I just read this and realize I am such a mother…Oy vey. Hang in there, “This too shall pass” 🙂

  12. maureen September 12, 2009 / 10:18 pm

    No news to you that it’s depression. You’re addressing it by going the medical & therapeutic routes, and they will help you, but they take time. I, too, am a reader who can disappear into a book. It’s positive when I’m reading for pleasure and knowledge; but like any good thing it can have a negative side. I used (honestly, still do) books to disengage, to escape, to distance myself from others. Oddly there are few books that I can remember well from those times, probably because I couldn’t be whole-hearted in attention. I’d find I’d be re-reading a paragraph because part of my mind had been “away” somewhere. Nowhere particular, just “away.”
    If it’s of any use to you, it helped a lot to get “out of my head” by walking. Around a track 4 or 5 times a week, or around the block, but on a schedule. Every morning work schedules would allow. I’d force myself to get up, head out the door, and begin, even if I did it by telling myself “You can always go back to bed after once around the track.” Which I didn’t do, because being out and moving helped at least as much as the prescriptions and the talk therapy.
    Whatever works for you, I feel for you and hope for better days ahead. One foot in front of the other.

  13. Li September 15, 2009 / 8:55 pm

    Don’t know if you’ve gotten a positive diagnosis of depression or not, but a test for Lyme disease wouldn’t hurt.

  14. Bill September 18, 2009 / 1:21 am

    When you know you have depression, you’re already dealing with it pretty well. It’s when you deny it that it gets dangerous.

  15. Lizzie October 14, 2009 / 1:57 am

    I understand. I have a couple of missing children’s sites on myspace. It takes me forever to update them, because i don’t even wanna get out of bed. My room is a disaster, my sisters think i’m lazy. I don’t leave my room much, usually, only to go to work. I work alot, but put on a mask. I act all happy go lucky there, so no one asks why i’m always down.

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