OR: A bit of commonsense advice from a girl who’s seen it all:
1. Do not engage in outdoor pursuits such as hiking, fishing, swimming, boating, etc., by yourself. Also, carry a cellular phone or a GPS device when you do these things.
2. Do not get involved with drugs: using them, and above all selling them. To get into drugs is to poke death with a stick. This particularly applies to hard drugs, but even marijuana and prescription substances present an unacceptable level of risk.
3. Involvement with gangs and organized crime also constitute death-poking and should be avoided at all costs.
4. Dissociate yourself from anyone who is involved with the aforementioned death-poking activities.
5. Do not drive recklessly in mountain or wilderness areas, or near significant bodies of water such as oceans, lakes and large rivers.
6. If you have Alzheimer’s Disease or some other illness that can cause memory loss, invest in one of those tracking devices you can wear. I know it’s a bit Big Brother-esque, but do you want to stay alive or not?
6. Do not become a sex worker, particularly a prostitute. People in the sex trade come in contact with all kinds of vermin.
7. Do not go on a cruise. There have been an inordinate number of disappearances from cruise ships.
8. Do not get into an abusive relationship. If you’re already in one, however, that’s a bit tricky. If you try to leave your lover may decide to liquidate you. But I think on the balance of things it’s better to go than stay.
9. Do not get involved with someone who’s married or otherwise attached. Their significant other may find out about you and wipe you off the face of the earth, or they themselves may get cold feet and decide you’re too inconvenient to live.
10. If you must get drunk, do so in a safe place. That is, not in public, and not with a bunch of strangers or people you don’t trust.
11. Do not go home with strangers you pick up in bars. If you do, you’d be lucky if you just end up with VD.